Why do i hurt myself?

 I see a lot of people who haven't self-harmed or know anyone that has/does, question why people do it. To be honest, as someone who does, there isn't always a straight answer. The reason someone does it depends on the individual and their own personal struggles. Sometimes there isn't a reason, they just do it. 

My own reason isn't straightforward, I do wish it was because it would make things easier for myself and easier to explain to other people. I've been doing it for years now, I started when I was 11. I don't know exactly why I started, as it was 5 years ago now but I can say why I still do it now. 

I take out my inner emotions, like anger and frustration, on myself because I can't take it out on other people. I can't hurt others just because I'm hurting. I need an outlet for the pain inside because It doesn't feel normal to hurt mentally or emotionally. It feels normal to hurt physically, to bleed and to see physical marks instead of feeling mental ones. I can't feel normalcy when the pain is only in my head, so the physicality of it and the sensation of being able to feel it is definitely one of the main reasons I do it. 

Another reason that I say I do it is because it's a coping mechanism. It's often an immediate reaction to feeling upset or angry. I use it to cope with what I'm feeling because my feelings are so much bigger than myself and more than I can understand or handle. Punching and pinching myself over and over is my only idea of the expression of anger, I can't bear to hurt someone else. Cutting myself is my only idea of the relief that I get when I don't have to focus on what's in my head, only what's on my skin. 


"I don't know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely." - Sylvia Plath